I was standing in line at a coffee shop- it was a long line, an extremely long line. Come to think of it, this whole experience is because of that line – curse the sugar junkies and caffeine addicts of St. Charles Avenue!
I had been standing there for what must have been close to fifteen minutes, behind some fifteen to twenty people all with multiple orders. They must be a real delight so early in the morning for the servers who were still weary from a short night’s sleep. Then I realize it must have really been a delight. Their list of orders was good business unlike me who only ordered a single American Latte that I could have made at home…but let’s just stick to the topic. Behind me stands our project manager whom I knew was about to be a pain in the neck from the overly warm way he greeted me good morning. This warm greeting was just the opposite of what he has in store for us for the rest of the day.
Intimacies between women often go backwards, beginning in revelations and ending in small talk.
I stood there straight-backed, refusing to show any sign of aggravation though I was seething with impatience and an unreasonable pang of hate for all the people before me. I knew if I so much as stretched my tired neck to relieve the stiff anger in my muscles it would be an invitation and the tapping of my feet though unnoticeable gave him exactly that, an invitation. And so it starts! The purpose of my rant. Useless small talk!
It’s pointless! Surely, I can’t be the only one to see! He’s standing there trying desperately to share my irritation just so we can have some common ground to further allow him to start a discussion which I am in no mood to partake in. I am not yet in office. So, please wait. I know he could only have been just politely passing the time by engaging me but I’m going to find the exchange a bore. It would be nice if one of you managers could tell me, are you really that dense? To fill an employee’s ear with prattle just before work and expect a good response? Here’s a tip, read the room! Would you really make an experience that much worse by confining a person who is already stuck in some situation with you to trifling conversations? I haven’t even had my coffee to power me for the challenges of the day, I do not have the tolerance!
For a moment, I tune him out and chose to be lost thinking about all my other experiences being stuck with having to partake in small talk. I know for some occasions it’s necessary but I avoid it as much as I can. Last year I met a distant relative at a congregation, and a week later I run into her at a pharmacy. We were both standing in line…And wait..What have I ever done to a line? This always seems to happen to me in a line. As we exchanged glances, I greet her, very politely. “What did you say you do?” She asked me, not because she forgot but because she assumes I’m one of those people who once I get to talking about work I just use all the words in all the languages of the world. “Computer Engineer.” I answer vaguely, “How are you?” I contributed smiling. See, this is another thing about small talk, it is still a conversation which means you still do have to partake which means you have to listen to not sound like a total buffoon when the other person asks “Have you ever been?” and you answer like “Wow, that’s crazy!”
Next one. There was this time when my supervisor had asked me to take his boss out for office lunch as my boss was stuck in meetings and my boss’s boss was on his first visit to New Orleans. I didn’t know this guy one bit but somehow my boss thought since I was the only Indian he knew who could peel and devein crawfish, I would be good company for his adventurous boss who repeatedly kept saying that he was a foodie, almost as if he wanted me to look at him like he was David Chang. I took him to a restaurant serving some good old Southern food. He was like, “Oh my God this is so good! Do you like crab cakes?” Now, eating without having to listen to anything but my jaws crushing food is what I like. Is it necessary to have a conversation with someone you’ve only just met and possibly won’t ever see again about their food preferences? I don’t think I want to risk biting my tongue for that, thank you very much! “Hmhm, so good.” I told him nodding. What a hypocrite small talk makes you. You know, I am perfectly comfortable not speaking if there is nothing worth speaking about. Am I the only one? It saves you so much, it saves you time, energy, breathing extra air. Let’s just say what needs saying, right? You know what would be super cool? If our mouths had a word count! Like, oup! Careful, you don’t want to deplete your supply filling my ear with nonsense! What a world it would be!
There are so many different forms of senseless small talk. There’s the kind done to make a reference, like me and my friend’s dad stuck together lifting a wooden table from the dining room to the lawn. “You know, I first met your aunt at a furniture store…well not the furniture store, a store beside the furniture store. It was a little down the road from the furniture store, actually.” There’s the kind done to impress, “I just paid a pretty penny for this car.” Some douche says to a girl standing near him as they both wait for a representative at the dealership. There’s the kind done to pass time, “I just love your shirt! Is it Peter England?” “Big Bazaar?” Then there’s the kind done to distract or lighten the moment, “We do apologize for the inconvenience sir and our manager, Mr. Abhijit, will be right with you. In the meanwhile, how has your day been?”
The point is, small talk has no point. In fact, the drab, endless exchange is so mentally tiring I lose all feeling in my tongue! It’s like a dance to music that is on repeat and your dance partner keeps stepping on your toes and smiling as though you are to be enjoying it. If hell does not exist, a wretched soul may be conformed to the world’s best small talker and be talked to eternal doom. There comes a point in the exchange when it seems words, questions, interests have all been exhausted and there is a silence so painstaking, you smile at the thought of death. But today, I look forward to that silence. Today, I force that silence with one-word responses and a fake smile as I turn my head away. I have also mastered body language that shuts up a person pretty quickly, for example, standing there in line, the manager behind me looking at his newly bought Apple watch says, “We’re definitely going to have a late start today.” I shift my head slightly so that my ear is to him but I don’t turn all the way around and say, “Definitely.” Then face forward once again. Polite enough to respond to your observation but also showing disinterest in having it become a conversation.
A question – Are we that small-minded that we have to talk small as well? There are a plethora of interesting topics to discuss, show some depth, expose me to something I never knew, stimulate my mind, force me to display my yellowing teeth with a joke, anything except small talk. I shut down, completely. I don’t know how to be that casual or that fake that I’d be standing there asking you how is your dog, yeah the one that I didn’t even know existed. I don’t care! You’re a dog walker with six of your own…hmm wow…I’m so totally engrossed. Psh! How does it help me, you, or your dog to ask about its wellbeing? It doesn’t! It’s all for the sake of conversation that has zero value.
I just hate the useless exchange. Let’s not get me salty with the silliness of questions that I can easily, and purposefully, mistake for meddling inquisition. Let’s use our senses to converse just a bit more intelligently, let’s step small talk up a level. What do you say? Be a little less obvious and shallow with your intentions when striking up a conversation with a stranger. Let the interaction be one where the other can take something from. Instead of draining my social battery, you charge it up with some enticing detail or point or news that could actually impact the rest of my day. For God’s sake, let’s aim a little higher when it comes to small talk. My attention fell back on the manager behind me who now was with a friendlier company – our newly hired intern who seemed to have magically appeared next to the manager out of nowhere. I could hear the manager bragging to the intern about his histrionics at work and how well he was managing this multi-million dollar project. Immediately I could tell this conceited fool had managed to make big talk out of a small talk. The intern looked at me with his mercy-seeking drugged eyes. I took one last look at the stagnant line.
“Boy miss me with that bullshit!” And I left.